As I write this, my insane fourteen year-old cat is screeching his way upstairs. My daughter is talking to herself over the baby monitor. And my husband is, well, sleeping until I wake him up (a serious example of NOT a morning person). My mornings are when I am supposed to be writing my book. Technically, I could be writing while Romy takes her afternoon nap. But by then I have been awake so long, I can't think enough most days to write coherently. Plus, I love having maybe an hour to relax. Or blog. Or read. Or watch TV. But instead, I usually have the pangs of guilt because I didn't write enough before everyone in the house started to wake up (except my husband), and I should, therefore, also be writing in the afternoon. That, on top of the guilt of not exercising in the morning, or at least, not exercising as much as I should or could, makes me a constant mass of guilt. It's useless. What does it matter if I complete everything I'm supposed to every single day? And yet, I hate myself when I don't. Yesterday Romy napped for over two hours. I could have used the time to writewritewrite my novel, but instead I tweaked all of these little things on my webpage that have needed tweaking for a long time. I sort of didn't feel guilty about it, but looking back, now I do. My goal was to write ten pages a day on my novel, which I can do if I write for a little under two hours. But I seem to be writing only one hour a day, which equals five to six pages. Which means I won't be finished with the novel in six weeks, as thought. Which doesn't even matter because no one is even expecting this novel in six weeks. I don't even have the contract yet, and I am feeling guilty about not finishing in this non-existent amount of time. What is wrong with me? How do I exorcise this guilt from my body?
There is some sort of animal scratching its claws against my patio door. I wish that were as freaky as it sounded. Or maybe it's a zombie! Now that would be scary. Did I ever mention that I save clothes and other various things just in case there's a zombie attack? Now that I do NOT feel guilty about.