Tuesday, January 25, 2011


Sometimes, probably more often than not, I think things mean something.  This happened because it was meant to, or this happened because something else happened so it had to be balanced.  And I don't feel  like this is a healthy way to think.  It seems that  thinking this way is pretty negative, or at least in the way I often use it.  Which is to say: if something good happens, something bad is going to happen next.  Or, if something bad happens, something else bad is going to happen.  It's a terrible way to think, now that I write it down.  Maybe I'm just really confused about the few days I have ahead of me.  Make that the next couple weeks I have ahead of me.  Today is a biggie, with an interview with someone for my next book that could be an emotional roller coaster.  Right after that I have a doctor's appointment to check out this problem I've been having since my appendix surgery last April.  I'm scared for that for various reasons, some of which are cost (my insurance will not cover it), what the eff are they going to do, and what the eff are they going to find.  Then tomorrow I get the joyous annual gyne appointment (yes, you all needed to know this).  And the following week?  I have to make and solidify one of the biggest decisions I've ever made in  my life.  I have been dreaming about it every night, and it's weighing heavily on me.  I am terrified that something that happens at one of these doctors will change the trajectory of my decision.  Not that there's a huge probability of that.  I just think that way.

Damn.  Lighten up, girl.

Here's another thing that's scaring me: my email address has been greylisted from my publishing house.  That means that every person I send an email to at Macmillan gets bounced back to me, sometimes several days after the email's been sent.  I talked to someone at my email provider, and they said that the computer system at Macmillan has determined I am SPAM and won't let my emails through.  Isn't that great?  Don't you just feel the love?  So now I have to get someone at Macmillan to get a tech person to straighten this out.  It just all feels like part of a bigger, cosmic picture.  A bleak one.

Geez.  Maybe I'm just in a mood because I had some horrible dreams about my mushy stomach last night.  They were oddly traumatizing.  If I go to the gym, will my dreams stop being awful?  If I think more positively, will everything turn out okay?  Maybe I should read that book I have about the power of positive thinking.  If only I had the time to do it.


Brian James said...

Often, I feel similar. I don't know that we as people can change the way we view life. I believe how is feel is how we are supposed to feel. However, sometimes I think we have to trust ourselves that we will make the right decisions.

Good luck with everything. That sounds like a plateful.

(But at least you have the Super Bowl to look forward to :)

Natalie Sams said...

ooh, what kind of decision? hopefully its not too scary (:

Julie H said...

What's a "super bowl," Brian?

Natalie, it's a good decision. And I'll let you guys know when it happens.