A Weighty Issue

I thought of this post in the middle of the night after I woke up at 3 a.m. to pee and somehow couldn't fall back asleep even though I took a sleeping pill at bedtime (was that a mega run-on sentence?). Thanks to the unfortunateness of late (ug, and there is more stuff that has to be sought out from my innards in the coming weeks. I love my body!), I gained five pounds. That really isn't a ton of weight, but for someone who a) has weighed the same for the last two years and, therefore, has clothes that finally fit her again due to recent shopping and pants sizing, and b) is not all that big to begin with, so five pounds makes a difference, and c) had weight issues, particularly in high school (for all y'all who read GET WELL SOON, you probably know that already), gaining weight sucks. Not to mention the unrealistic, blahblahblah boring skinny models/actresses/expectations the media puts upon us (which I am blahblahblahing because I think I am mostly over that. Because I have no interest in being an actress nor being grossly skinny. Those bitches would be snapped like twigs in a zombie attack, while I could use my actual muscles to fight and get away. It always comes back to zombies). I don't think I am going to lose all of the weight, since I'm not really changing my eating habits and I'm exercising as much as I was before the debacle. Only time will tell. But it made me think about when I did lose weight, from when I was my heaviest in high school, and how I did it. And now, dear readers, I am going to share my sensible, easy-to-use, realistic weight loss tips for you! In case you want them. This is how I did it, anyway. I'm not a doctor (thank jebus), but nothing I'm telling you is unhealthy. That was my disclaimer.

1. Stop eating red meat. First, because cows are awesome, and second, because it's a good way to lighten up your meals fat-wise, as well as a handy way to stop yourself from eating evil fast food.
2. Leave one bite of each item you eat on your plate. Just one. That way, your brain learns that it has a little control, and you feel all good about yourself for stopping before your plate is clean!
3. Eat dessert. My current "diet" is to not eat desserts during the week and then eat a decent amount of desserts during the weekend (preferably without guilt). This works in a few ways: it gives you a confidence boost if you make it through a week without eating desserts, it makes desserts taste way better when you don't eat them for a few days, and you get to plan what desserts you want to eat which makes weekends double great!
4. You totally don't want to hear this, but you have to exercise to lose weight. Garbage in, garbage out, you know? (Did anyone else perform "The Geigo Effect" in elementary school? Because, that's what I was referencing. There is nothing on the internet about it ANYWHERE. Children of the 80s, where are you?) I started my workout journey with a classic Jane Fonda vid. You can read my blog post about it here. I don't know how to encourage people to exercise. I don't think exercising itself sucks, but it is time consuming, messy, you have to change your clothes, and if you do it in a gym other people might watch you. My current workout regime? Running/walking on the treadmill in my basement while I watch "Ghost Adventures" but listen to music (in the style of Ke$ha). Sometimes I imagine I'm at a dance party with the Ghost Adventures guys. Shut up. ANYTHING to get you through the workout! That's the attitude you must adopt.
5. Don't reward your awesome weightloss or exercising with food. Instead, buy some shoes. Because the shittiest thing about trying to lose weight is that it doesn't happen right away. Like, it should melt off when you exercise and all that sweat comes out, right? And you do all those sit-ups and you feel it in your abs, right? But then you stand up, and your stomach still feels all mushy. That's the worst. And why shoes are the best choice! They are fun to buy, come in a variety of shapes and colors, and will always fit you no matter how jiggly you still may be!

I think that's all I want to say about weight loss. This is only if you want to lose weight. Not if you love yourself and whatever shape you are in. We don't all need to be the same shape and size. Just like shoes! Now go jogging. And then buy some shoes. Pick some up for me while you're at it.

PS Check out my running shoes. I love them so much, sometimes I want to run just so I can put them on. Although, that doesn't happen very often.